Grief - What's it all about? #stlukes #lymphoma

 

What’s it all about?

“Funny” how grief can bring up a whole host of emotions that you didn’t know you had, they range from anxiety to strength with just about every other feeling in between and you are never quite sure which one is coming when.

You also find out who the people are in the world that really understand. When you first lose someone close, in my case my mum, you become a bit of a circus act, people come from far and wide to see how good you are at grieving and have a whole range of opinions as to how you’re coping and to see if you are dealing with it as they think you should be. It’s incredible how many people feel they have a right to an opinion on this, as how could they possibly know? You don’t know yourself! Once the initial flurry of onlookers have moved on, it’s who remain that you really lean on. There are people that show up once and there are those that you know will show up forever, the ones that will sit with you in the dark, and the ones that just want to judge you on how you’re getting on to report back to others in some sort of macabre way. You certainly find out who your friends are!

Some people have contacted me to say how forthcoming I am in speaking about my grief, how I am coping, and how I will have to cope going forwards, some people have reached out to me when they too have lost someone to find some comfort in their own emotions, and some have chosen to watch from the side lines, expecting me to implode or to self-destruct. They may wish to continue to watch this space, as who knows!?

I have read some interesting blogs, articles, books on grief and on loss and have joined some communities online to feel assured by my own feelings and insecurities, and it is incredibly interesting to research how different cultures, communities, and religions deal with the feelings of loss. The British way seems to be one of a stiff upper lip, that we shouldn’t really continue to talk about grief, that we should in some way move on and get over our loss, whereas other cultures have a much more open and interesting way of continuing to keep those you love in your life and to keep talking about the dead, without having to “get over it” as a process.

Watching the Queen at Prince Philip’s funeral filled me with strength and confidence in the way that the Queen seemingly wanted to appear. She wasn’t alone, in my opinion, she didn’t appear weak, she showed that she could be alone, and that no one was going to replace him by her side, an incredible show of strength and resilience but also an open and honest aloneness that so many people would be able to relate to.

I don’t want to get over the loss of my mum, I am choosing to keep talking about her all the time, and I will continue to do so, I am sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable, but it doesn’t me. A huge thank you to all those that are choosing to sit with me in the dark, who continue to speak about my mum and who she was openly and frankly, I love people talking about her and keeping her memory alive, she was the most incredible woman.

As you may know, we, at Spencer and including many of my friends around the world, undertook a challenge in February to run 125km within the month which we all did with gusto. The time each day gave me some alone time to have her in my thoughts and gave me the impetus to get up each day and get out and carry on, a message to myself that I needed to drill in that I had no choice but to get on with life without her. We raised around £15,000 for St Luke’s where mum died and are so proud that we were able to do something for them, as they were so incredibly kind to us when she was dying at Christmas. We have decided that we will close down the Just Giving page this month, so that we can move forwards and can continue our journey through this awful time.

Thank you so much to everyone that has donated to this incredible cause, we are unbelievably thankful for all your strength, your kindness, your continued support, and for keeping mum’s memory alive.

To my friends, you were so loved by my mum, and I am quite sure she died knowing that you would all continue to look out for me and to love me no matter where I am at through this time and always. Thank you for being there.

If you still wish to donate to St Luke’s, the link is JUST GIVING , we will continue to support this charity over the coming years in her memory.

A huge thank you from me, Mum and St Luke's #Sheffield

 

It goes without saying that everyone has a different relationship with their mum, some are more difficult than others, and some are unbelievably aspirational. Most go through a bit of both, varying through youth to teenage years and into adulthood, and then particularly when you become a parent yourself into a whole different level of understanding. 

My relationship with my mum was no different; I was mummy's girl and then daddy's girl, a rebellious teenager, then a defiant, strong-willed, tenacious, argumentative, emotionally unattached, independent young woman, and then went through a metamorphosis into seeing her as the most aspirational person I have ever known. It wasn't because she was hugely prominent in my day to day life, quite the opposite, she was just there, ever-supporting, proud, strong, and always championed my decisions and my choices. 

It is quite overwhelming, now that she has gone, the loss that I feel from not having that person who literally loved me no matter what, who I knew I could completely rely on and who would always have my back. How many times was I told to appreciate her and to give her an extra hug and that I would miss her terribly when one day she wouldn't be there? You can never understand that until it's true to you, that all of sudden you wish you had listened a little bit harder, asked a lot more, and accepted the hugs more readily. Then it is too late. The most relevant understanding of this loss has been described to me as the sense of wanting to be loved like a child, and your mum is the one that gives this love in spades, no matter what. 

The culture surrounding grief is very much that it should be "fixed" or that you will "get over" the loss over time, and I would love this to adapt to a more realistic concept of learning to live with the hole left behind, and of encouraging people to keep talking about their loved ones after they have died. There's no medication to help, no rhyme or reason to your feelings, and should be no judgement if you never feel completely ok again. 

We have undertaken a challenge throughout February to run 125km and have so far raised over £11,000 for St Luke's where mum died on December 27th 2020, you are welcome to still donate, if you haven't already, and we have received the most generous donations from the most wonderful people. Thank you so much. 

One last favour at this time please, if you still have your mum, please take yourself out of any comfort zones to give her a huge hug next time you see her, ask her the questions that you never asked but always wondered, listen when she tells you any stories about her life. I know that, with Mother's Day just around the corner, there will be plenty of us that wish we could. 

Thanks so much to everyone that has donated, my mum would be genuinely overwhelmed and flattered and feel so much comfort from knowing how loved she was, how loved I and my family are, and to know the level of support that there is around us all. Mum loved all my friends and colleagues and network of supportive clients who she worked with too for so many years, and she always saw the good in everyone so thank you for all seeing the good in her too, there will never be anyone like her and her shoes could never be filled.   

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Help us Raise Money for St Luke's Hospice with our #Spencers125k

You may have heard that my lovely Mum died on the 27th December 2020 after a very quick return of Lymphoma that took her from us within just ten days. 

Mum was desperate to escape the Hallamshire to get to St Luke’s Hospice, which she did and died within 24 hours of being there.

St Luke’s was always close to her heart and we know too many people that have ended their days in their wonderful care. 

So, we at Spencers have decided that we will run 125km each in February in aid of St Luke’s, which is the distance from Mum’s house to Old Trafford, where she loved to go with my Dad to watch their team and where they had season tickets for many years. 

We invite you all to join in and attempt to hit a 125km target by running / walking / cycling / horse riding the same distance throughout February, or just to donate to this wonderful cause by supporting our efforts. 

All collections on Mum’s behalf will go to St Luke’s via this JustGiving page. Thank you so much for supporting us, Mum, and this wonderful charity. Love you Mum.

Donate via JustGiving

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/spencers125km